Part 4


So, I’ve arrived at Mr Stoutdrunken’s, I’ve seen his cobbled together bits and bobs, we’ve agreed our recipe, mathed like we’ve never mathed before and we are off.

First we plunged everything in sterilising fluid. Everything.

With this vital process out of the way we set to boil our first two litres of water. Once this was bubbling away we set it aside on the hob and covered it to ensure no introduction of air borne nasties. You’ll note no doubt that the actual recipe we followed called for this water to be added into the brewing vessel to cool; as our brewing vessel is a big plastic bottle with an airlock jammed through the lid, pouring hot water directly into this would cause the bottle to implode due to pressure changes, or simply just melt. (like an imperial psykers head, see battle report the first – Bifur)

Anyway… First two litres now boiled and cooling, we come to the body of our wort; that’s the malted and hopped liquid that transforms into beer.


So, three litres of water went into our pan and was brought to the boil. When this was doing its thing the gas was turns off and we introduced our malt extracts. The crystalised stuff went in first; this wasn’t dictated by the recipe but we figured it would be easier to make sure complete dissolution had occurred in this way; we’re, like, totally off the scale scientists brah!


Bif: We should get lab coats for this shit.

Dwalin: Hell fucking yes! With metal back patches!

Bif: And metal patches up the arms and shit!

Dwalin: Oh, dude, we absolutely fucking have to do this for the next brew

Bif: Yes!!!!!! We are so cool!

Dwalin: We really are….


Once the crystalline component was completely intermingled with the water in we went with the liquid stuff. Boy oh boy was this bit awesome. The gloriously unctuous pour of the malt was something mesmerising; calling to mind the most delectable caramels. this stuff was thick, shiny, amber in colour and begged for a heightened pour to watch the gentle caress of its descent into receptacle. It urged to be tasted and, oh my fucking god, did it taste good. Hyper sweet molten Shreddies. I think we both agreed that cracking into this as the basis of a madcap desert would yield incredible tastes and textures. Seriously, look at this stuff.

We also both agreed that, if we were loving this saccharine delectation, our yeast would be all over this and that could only mean one thing; we would definitely be getting alcohol. Oh beer, we can sense your presence already…

Filled with this happy notion we stirred and stirred until we were sure that all of our addition was symbiotically fused with the water we cranked up the heat again and threw our first hop addition into the mix; for the sake of ease we had elected to use a little hop bag to contain our, well, hops. This meant no mess and no faff.


The first hops in were the Amarillo; they have a higher bitterness than the cascade, so they can cope with sitting in the wort for a long time, imparting the brunt of the flavour (well, that’s what we guess anyway; still going with that immediacy of brewing thing I spoke about previously). How did we work out the amount to use? I did the maths to figure out how much weight of hop was needed for the five gallon brew, divided that outcome weight by 5, while I know there was a faster way of cranking down the initial AAU (look at me with the lingo – that’s like the alpha acid level, or some shit) and getting a direct outcome of the required weight, I really wanted to avoid making any major mistakes and figured the simple option was a little more foolproof…and then we did that weighing, rounding, approximating thing I discussed in the last post.


Oooo yeah…

With all this done we had to leave this boiling for an hour…

Sheesh, this fucking brew log really is turning into a legit Homeric epic…

Judgelike Freud of flighting mind did smite the gorgon of imbecilic mathematics and decreed the foolish Dwarven folk did play too much with the fortuity of a god forsaken plane; oh lo and dismay at impetuosity!

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