Battle report: The first!!

It is a grim morning as the sun barely penetrates the ash clouds over the battle field, the Imperial Commander surveys his battle line; rank after rank of his best troops stand ready, and on his right a disorderly mob of his worst slump in a semblance of readiness (if readiness in this case means “I really don’t want to be here, can I please go home now) “Ah, conscripts” he thinks to himself “Excellent cannon fodder to make sure my prized Bullgryns reach the line”. He could see the enemy now, a small detachment of the Emperors finest. Space marines from the Dark Angels chapter, what they were doing here and why they were attacking the commander would never know but right now that didn’t matter, because here was where he was going to prove that the massed ranks of the Imperial Guard were more than a match for a bunch of hyped up bolter junkies! That was an awfully big tank they had brought with them though…

The Dark Angels Librarian checked the readout from the Auspex once more, he was certain; it lay on the other side of the valley, behind the Imperial Guard position. If only the Guard weren’t so stubborn, no matter there are plenty more of them where they came from, they would provide no opposition to the Emperors finest and then onwards to collect…it. Now the mist was clearing and he could see their battle lines the Librarian realized just how many of the Guardsmen there actually were and for the first time noticed the four towering forms lumbering around near the front of their lines, dragging massive shields in some apparent parody of the noble Deathwing Knights he stood with, never the less they were awfully large and strong looking…

In the 41st Millennium there is no peace… there is only war!

Welcome one and welcome all to the first ‘big geeky nerdy day of beer, coffee and gaming’ post to this blog! HUZZAH!

As stated in earlier posts Bifurgacheffe and myself meet every so often (around once a month), on a Tuesday (for it is the day with which our humdrum working lives seem to appreciate most), to drink coffee, drink beer, eat unhealthily and play tabletop games. It’s something that works well, and it’s something we’d like to share (see all other posts so far). This means on these hallowed pages you will see reviews of new games as we play them, run downs of interesting games we’ve played against each other and battle reports from the war games we play. All of these reports will be less than standard fare as we will also discuss music we’re listening to and the beverages we’re consuming whilst dissecting the games we play.

Annnnnnnnnd so, without further ado…

The game is Warhammer 40,000. For those of you unaware of what this is head here:

A brief description; space warriors battle each other with the sole intention of completely fucking each other up.

First things first, as with all of our gaming coalescences, beverage and music so:

BEER – Badger – Blanford Flyer

Dwalin – I can taste orange, the more you drink the more orange you get.

It’s a delicious beer and definitely one we would recommend – with light citrus tones and definite ginger scents and after taste, it slipped down a treat, though we both noted that our initial thoughts of ‘mmm could drink this all day’ were soon hampered by a slightly sweeter than most taste; it had a good mouth-feel, thick and juicy, but perhaps this contributed to the sweetness? One for a swift pint or two in the summer sun, although definitely not a session beer.

This first beer really was excellent and provided a bountiful sup whilst we discussed what game to play and how we were going to go about blogging our escapades (see how we’re thinking this shit through!). This meant, however, that it was over all too quickly and the next frothy mana had to be offered.

BEER – Wychwood – Dr Thirstys Blonde

Pleasant, initial sip gives way to bitterness. Glorious presentation likened by both of us to honey in a glass. Not sweet. I think we both agreed that this, particularly after the aforementioned beer, was lacking in excitement. Normally we’re massive fans of the work of Wychwood (as you all should be) but we found this one a little underwhelming. Would probably do well as a session and it wasn’t unpleasing, the complexity of the hops definitely was a talking point and there were light citrus notes coming through.

Time for some music and a swift set-up

       ALBUM – Chimera – Pass Out of Existence

GAME – Purge the Alien – 1000pts – Imperial Guard (Dwalin) vs Dark Angels (Bifur)

Set up; Guard, Wyvern tank and conscripts on their right flank, Mortars and infantry with specials (demo charges) on the left. In the centre – Everyone else! Infantry squad, command squad, platoon command squad and veterans all formed up behind four bullgryns.

Heavy weapon squad on hill in the middle, ready to snipe fiery death down on the Dark Angels

D: So what was I intending to do with this force and this set-up? I don’t really know is the best answer I can really give. I had fielded a similar force in our previous game and had gotten absolutely massacred (Ogryns in a tank which got surrounded by Orks and completely dismembered before doing anything was the low point of that game) and I felt like I wanted to have another stab with minor tweaks to try and move this force into a winning zone.

Realistically the plan was to shove Bullgryns up into combat area, smash things up with their big ol’ weapons, make a bunch of saves for my little guys hanging behind them and let them shoot everybody the Bullgryns weren’t fighting.

Dark Angels, Tactical squad on either flank with a Landraider full of five Deathwing Knights and the warlord (Librarian in power armour) Driver lines up sights on Bullgryns.

Scouts deploy in buildings on the left opposite the conscripts, snipers at the ready to pin down infantry units.

Bifur: My set up was much simpler, I had three units to place (scouts, being infiltrators set up later). One tactical squad on each side, hoping to move up using cover to steadily shoot lots of badly armoured Guardsmen to death.

The Deathwing Knights and the Librarian Warlord started in the Landraider, ready to charge forward into the Bullgryns, hopefully beat them up a bit and then move onto the rest of the army, praying that their armour would hold against the massed ranks of the Imperial guard.

The scouts headed to the best piece of scenery cover they could find, a small group of building on their right.

It was at this point I started to realise that I was outnumbered approximately three to one. Time to see if the First Legion finest can live up to their reputation…

BEER – San Fransisco Anchor Brewing Company – Liberty Ale

Smooth sweetness / sappiness with a pleasing hoppy after-taste. This one was delicious, really enjoyable brew. It was not overly sweet, and actually felt quite refreshing. Was a fitting commencement to the game – made everything feel extra special.


Guard – (Dark Angels gave first turn to guard)

Movement – the whole army surges forward, eager to crush the Dark Angels beneath crashing boots and blinking lasguns

Psychic – Flame shield on heavy weapon squad

Shooting – 3 marines dead from the tac squads (mostly long range missile fire from the heavy team, with one death from the Wyvern on the left.)

Three out of five scouts shot down in a hail of close range Lasgun and special weapon fire, despite cover saves (some of which were buffed by units shooting through the Bullgryns

A leap and a crack emanated from the mind of the Psyker, incorporeal flames swirling around the faces of the heavy weapons team sitting in the open atop the hill, which provided them with the boon of a high vantage point but cursed them with being out in the open. Hopefully, they thought, the warp powers unleashed would protect them.

A hail of orders flew through the air and the crew knew it was time to forget the protection, it was time to fight; aiming at the power armoured shells of the Emperor’s favourites they knew they only had one shot at retribution in the eyes of their commander, and one shot at proving their worth as warriors. They fired and watched as the enemy began to fall.

This was going to be their day to win…

ALBUM – Devil driver – Self Titled

BEER – Honkers Ale by Goose Island brewery

Warm tang – sourness. This one was a nice low tasting brew; I think Bifurgacheffe and myself disagreed a little on this one. I was definitely picking up a slight tang, something that reminded me of sour dough, where as Bifur tasted the earthy and mossy notes of a deep cave. I really enjoyed it and it’s slightly more sludgey presence. We only had a 35 cl bottle to share; perhaps with a higher quantity I would have been less enthused? One to try again no doubt.

Dark Angels –

Tactical squads creep forward. Landraider guns its engine and surges 6” forward and disgorges Terminators

Scouts would like to shoot at heavy weapons, but the flame shield makes them think twice, the single scout left with LOS fires his sniper weapon at the conscripts, promptly misses.

Fire from various sources kills of a total of four conscripts and reduces a Bullgryn to two wounds (shot with a multi-melta, praise be to high toughness)

D – I name him Drogg. Drogg will kick ass!

Knights charge the Bullgryns and destroy them in an epic orgy of overcharged mace of death swinging doom whirlwind. All bullgryns die without a chance to strike back.

B – Damn, I love Deathwing Knights

D – What is the point of Ogryns?!?

ALBUM – Punk O Rama vol 3

Turn 2

Imperial Guard, Move – Everyone creeps forward and aims carefully at the terminators, suddenly those most exulted sons of The Lion were looking down the barrels of several dozen Lasguns and more than a few heavier looking pieces of ordinance. Were they worried, there might have been a flicker of doubt across the Librarian’s face, but then he wasn’t wearing Terminator armour, he ducked slightly further down in the fortress of shields his brothers had made as they surrounded him, facing out and looking death straight in the barrel.


Shooting – Most things shoot at the Terminators, some things hit, some of those wound, most of those save. One terminator eventually dies.

Conscripts Charge terminators, conscripts die horrible deaths.

Despite this the stalwart sons of The Lion stood firm, las rounds and grenade explosions rattling off their tough armour and the wall of shields they had formed, the fusillade went on for what seemed like hours but could only have been seconds. A blinding flash like a sun erupting signalled the use of plasma munitions and one brother fell, his shield melted to slag and a gaping hole where his breast plate and chest had once been.

The ramshackle group of young convicts , alight with a fire of retribution, charged. Knowing their fate would be black they did not care, for they wanted to show the depth of their souls, their unadulterated humanity flexing strong in the face of the genetically altered.

Realising there was no time to mourn the fallen the Knights closed ranks and raised their shields, the tide of conscripts hit them and washed around them like a river unleashed from a dam. Maces of Retribution rising and falling time and time again the Knights swept the conscripts aside in a bloody cavalcade of death, seeking vengeance for their felled brother while the conscripts ineffectually scrabbled at the armoured monstrosities, unable to pierce their defences.

Beer – Badger – Hopping Hare

Crisp and Zesty, notes of burnt toast (seriously…) Was a nice and refreshing brew.

Dark Angels – Move, Landraider tank shocks and breaks the company command squad (such is the calibre of Imperial Guard officers…)

Shooting – Auto cannon team shot dead

Some troops died from sporadic firing, Dwalin getting increasingly bad dice rolls…

But then so did Bifur with a plasma pistol overheating in the tactical squad on the left, luckily the Sergeants armour held and he lived

Terminators charged vet squad, over watch fire caused two hits / wounds, easily saved with a 5 and a 6 by Bifur.

B – “I could have been wearing Flak Armour and I would have been saved, I could have been a rattling.. No! I could have been an Ogryns and I’d have survived.”

D – “Fuck you Bifur”

a brief intermission to load..ALBUM – The Roots of Sepultura – Disc Two

B – “I need to roll 6’s to penetrate your rear”

D – “What?”

B – “Marines sticking kraks to the back of your Wyvern.”

D – “Oh…”

The marine Tactical squad in question then manages to rolls the Wyvern over on to its back in a feat of genetically enhanced strength.


Imperial Guard

Psychic – After the Command Squad had successfully rallied the Astropath attempted to cast Levitation to re-position the squad into a better position, however he was obviously still shaken from nearly being run over by a Landraider and his focus was not strong enough, the power of the warp took hold of him rather than him taking hold of the power and with a high pitched wail his head melted…

Shooting – Demo charge squad throws demos at Landraider, two hit and one bounces off into troops. Result? No damage to the Landraider, seven guardsmen killed.

The narrative in this moment fades into a nonsensical obscurity as the unadulterated catastrophe of this game falls into the consciousness of Dwalin and he thrashes on the floor in a pitiful display of unmanliness…

The Imperial Guard commander wiped melted Astropath from his uniform and looked around him, things were not looking good, those damn terminators were chewing through most of his central force, the Landraider was busy spitting fire and bullets at anything that moved, and he was sure he could see a shrouded figure on top of a building nearby, aiming at his forces with a sniper rifle (strange how he was getting no reports of injuries or deaths from sniper weapons, maybe the marines weren’t as good a shot as he’d been led to believe). Shit was not going well.

Dark Angels

Bifur – forgets psychic phase and misses with frag missile, are things turning the IG’s way?

DRINK – Coffee is brewing. In the meantime a bottle of Bifur’s freshly brewed mead is opened.

Mead is good, nice and sweet without being sickly. Plenty of kick. As this, the first drink taken from the initial batch confirms just how drinkable it is, the next batch will be herbified…

Dwalin (composure regained) writes – It’s times like this you feel lucky to be alive, unlike the guardsmen who don’t feel lucky… because they’re dead

Last surviving sniper scout (His Sergeant continues to hide out in cover, shouting encouragement) finally hits and wounds something, Dwalin finally makes a save…

Terminators charge the company command squad. Squishy massacre


Imperial Guard

Heroic charge by last surviving member of the platoon command squad into a near full tactical squad of marines, all over watch misses, such a heroic display he’s given an auto wound on the marine he’s charged. Marine save the wound and then punches him in the face. Killing him dead.

‘I am the final member… there is no other reason to be other than to seek valiance. CHARGE AND DESTROY… VENGEANCE SHALL BE MINE’

Miraculously dodging the hail of Bolter shells he leaps into the air crashing into the closest dark green shape, landing a blow on the startled marine in front of him. His hand burns with a pain unlike any he has felt before as his cognizance is ripped from him.

COFFEE – Mexican Maragogyre – From Twinings (very posh…)

Bifur bought this in the Twinings shop at 216 The Strand in London. This was the first ever Twinings shop and has served teas and coffees to celebrities, royalty and common folk for a long long time (the fact they tolerated Bifur’s slightly scruffy self long enough to allow him to make a number of purchases speaks volumes as to the qualities of their staff.) Smooth and well rounded, hints of walnuts or possibly hazelnuts. It’s a nice go to for a filter machine it seems- think a little bit of experimentation with other brew methods is in order to bring out a bit more of the sweetness.

Dark Angels – Bifur managed to remember psychic phase (very happy with himself for this)… promptly rolled a one for power dice and stomped off in a huff.

Mortars died from a combination of psychic fire and the Landraiders Assault cannon (At this point B remembers this is a twin linked weapon… first time in the entire game)

Primaris psycher survives a plasma gun shot to the face, bless that force field.


Imperial Guard … frankly nothing of note…


Dark Angels

Massive death dealing Deathwing knight Terminator leaps out from behind the Landraider and shouts “hellooooo” in a beautifully effeminate voice (supplied by Bifur) to the unit of startled guard in front of him, guard unit await their invitation to come round for tea and cakes…

Last surviving Rattling sniper is busy running for the board edge, Dark Angel scout gets one final shot (despite being half an inch out of range, allowed a snapshot as a long shot for cinematic purposes, rolls a six, cheers all round.) Fails to wound… Sniper to be executed for incompetence.

Primaris psyker saves wound from boltgun and plasma gun, doing really well until the landraider multi-meltas him to death.

Infantry fall like flies to various shooting weapons, IG’s chances looking slimmer and slimmer.

Terminators charge two surviving members of the special weapons team, snapshots from over watch hit, wound and KILL ONE!


Imperial Guard – Sniper (last man standing) rallies inches from his board edge, aims at the Terminator Sergeant, looking for a final glorious kill, squeezes the trigger and misses spectacularly. (D rolls a 2…)

‘I can run no more, I must stand and fight’ he turns and aims his rifle- the sweat dripping down his face he squeezes the trigger. He sees no reaction and senses… All is lost

Dark Angels – Dwalin “ I still have a chance… I swear it!! Oh, there’s a Landraider shooting at me… It’s OK… OK it hit me four times with its assault cannon, rending you say? Yep. I’m dead”

IG tabled.

Sigmund Freud is Judging pitiful Imperial Guard and feels all dice rolls in this game were related to an unconscious desire to lose to enable a valiant victory to occur in future and a convincing underdog story to eventually take place.

3 responses to “Battle report: The first!!

  1. haha the tank tipping and the head melting were my fave bits.
    Glad the DAs won.
    I’m guessing that the IG just happened to be in their way?


    • Thanks dude, anyone who stands in the way of a Landraider full of Deathwing Knights is going to get crushed, least of all puny guardsmen and their overfed abominations…


  2. The IG showed real strength; they had fortitude and valour. They did not hide behind machinery. They stood and fought like men and they gave all in the name of heroism…

    Or, you know, they got there asses beat…

    Next time!!!!


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